I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
when dads have a rap battle
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Sending in my taxes
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.