My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
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Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My beach vacation Google searches
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp