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@alkemp57: I've just invented a perfume made from holy water
Eau my God
@FilthyRichmond: Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
@deardilettante: [ brings ouija board to your grave ]
"Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?"
@Blonde4Dayz: H: "Whatcha doing?"
Me: "Going on twitter to hang out."
H: "Twitter is an app, not a place."
Me: *whispers venomously* "Is too a place!!"
@ClaytonSykes: Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.
@QwertyJones3: [nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
"Yes of course we do!"
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*