Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
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How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!