@ClearlyUnwell: I've just realised that I've got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
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@THEINBREDCAT: Her: Do you have any kids? Me: I have 2 step kids Her: None of your own? Me: no Her: How come? Me: facials Her: I'm sorry what? Me: What?
@gorrdano: How bout I hold a toaster over you while you're in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn't make me drop it.
@therealeatwood: “I have a dream that one day little black children will work together with little white children, to destroy Superman.” — Martin Luthor King
@Jaywoo74: Cop: You know why I pulled you over? M: Speeding? C: No! M: Not using my blinker? C: No! M: Because I'm drunk? Cop: Sir get off the mower!