Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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When you need a dentist who鈥檚 also a snake handler. That.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf鈥檚 dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that鈥檚 not what it
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Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife鈥檚 Favorite Lamp I Don鈥檛 Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn鈥檛 Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn鈥檛 That
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 馃挜
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Pass gas, not judgment.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Don鈥檛 listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I鈥檓 asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.