I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
waiting for halloween be like:
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.