I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
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pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I can’t wait!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.