I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
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Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Breaking news:
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.