Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.