@LittleMissZesty: I've just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I'm on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
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@LizHackett: A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn't a big deal, so I said out loud, "I saw that."
@StarksWeek: You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat.
@JohnHilsen: Of course climate change is man-made. It's all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
@G_Faylor: [trying to check out girl at grocery store] cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt