@LittleMissZesty: I've just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I'm on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
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@WilliamRodgers: [Bruce Willis on his deathbed] Bruce: Viagra! Dr: Bruce this isn't the time- Bruce: Give me...a Viagra! Dr: Ok *Bruce Dies...Hard*
@KentWGraham: I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
@tastefactory: *ring ring* Hello? "If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000" OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM "I won't if u-" Haha gotcha, leave a message