I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
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Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Home #decor warning.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair