I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.