I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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Never ghost your hitman.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
twitter is a journey
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time