I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.