I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
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a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I WON A HAM TODAY
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.