I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
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6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl