You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
You Might Also Like
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
asked my bf how work was today
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My life coach traded me.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.