My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
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HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.