I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
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Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”