My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them