{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐