Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
You Might Also Like
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Not😆🤣
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*