I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Everything reminds me of my ex
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Bread puns are on the rise!
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.