*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
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I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name