@OxbloodAbernthy: I've lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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@longwall26: Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say "Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?" then just sit there for 5 years.
@TheRealRHB: As my friend Joe's last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
@TeaPartyCat: Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
@HeidiCF8: I put my pants on like everyone else... As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face.