I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”