@OxbloodAbernthy: I've lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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@shutupmikeginn: Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It's weird "You can secretly watch Netflix at work" Oh, please take literally all of my money.
@GreenishDuck: Text your dad "egg salad sandwich" four times in one day. He'll probably think his phone is broken.
@SteveDutzy: My pics are real. I don't use any filters. I don't even use coffee filters. I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
@TheMichaelRock: Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn't have to? [flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors] Me: Yeah, I'm sweet like that.