@OxbloodAbernthy: I've lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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@carlawh: Yes, I DO think "did you bring my pizza?" is an acceptable answer when you're in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
@mynameshank: Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor's outdoor Christmas decorations.
@OfficialMizGin: Annoying guy trying to hit on me: This is like a scene from a romantic movie. Me: Yeah, I’m the iceberg and you’re the Titanic. #Queen