@OxbloodAbernthy: I've lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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@SonOfCha: Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
@peachesanscream: Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
@JKNenagh: 7: Dad what does this word mean Me: Bring me a dictionary *Smack up side the head Me: Now go google that shit