I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.