I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
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That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.