I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
You Might Also Like
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
thank god the sign was there
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
The old gods are rising again.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell