I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
when nothing goes right… go left
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.