OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35