Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I love art.