I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Festive toon…
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.