@ericsshadow: I've made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they're both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
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@realHamOnWry: Cat: What are you doing? Me: Reloading my bong Cat: You really need it? Me: I know my limits, why? Cat: You know cats can't talk, right?
@UberFacts: A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
@Thynebear: Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat. "Wear something that doesn't show stains" [5 hours later] How was your date? She hated my poncho.