I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
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just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.