I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
You Might Also Like
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.