when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Mornin
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.