I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
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I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
When I said I liked it rough.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.