Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
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I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.