I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em