I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
You Might Also Like
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?