I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
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You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.