I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
You Might Also Like
There are usually two types of merchants.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?