there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Meow?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.