me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
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*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.