RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.