it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I hope they boil the right one.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
A new level of troll.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials