@kwirkyKerri: I've never been offered money for sex. Never been offered money to not have sex either. So there's that.
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@Book_Krazy: [Interview] Your resume just says "I'm a mom". Why in the world would I hire you? Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT'S WHY!
@Bipartisanism: "Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza." - President Obama
@nbadag: [the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent] ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
@daemonic3: Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor? Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing! Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I'm right here