*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?