I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
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baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating