[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
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My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
my proudest tweet
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.