Squeak, squeak, squeak!
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My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry