wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that